Jolie thanked Stephen one last time and hung up the phone. The news about Ethan didn't surprise her all that much nor did she really think it probable he'd show at the villa just to knock her around. She did think it possible that if she ran into him again when he was in the wrong mood things might get tense. However, she reflected, that was a problem for another day. The problem she faced now was telling Spence while also explaining why she hadn't told him where she'd gotten the bruises on her arm from when he'd asked. It served her right, she thought, walking towards Spence's office, because she'd hadn't had a reason, good or bad, other than the desire to forget the whole thing quickly.
He was bent over some dusty tome, oblivious to everything but what he was reading. He was such a good guy and she absolutely didn't deserve him, had never expected having anything as remotely fine in her life and she'd treated him badly, essentially not trusting him, by not just telling him what had happened. She drank in the sight of him for a moment and then knocked on the door panel, saying, "Hi, handsome."
He looked up, blinked, getting his vision in gear, and smiled at her. "Hey. Am I late for something?"
"Nope," she said, bending to kiss him. "Just wanted to talk to you about something, if you don't mind the interruption."
"I'm always happy to see you. Let's go out by the pool and enjoy the weather."
Spence made them drinks and they took seats where they could look out over the sea. It was a glorious day, the breeze cool and the sky a brilliant blue. He reached out and took her hand. "You look awfully serious."
"It's my guilty conscience," she said. "I owe you an apology."
"Accepted," he said with a grin. "No worries."
"Thanks, but, uhm well...Remember when you asked about how my arm got so bruised up?
"Is it still bothering you?" he looked a bit confused about why she was bringing it up now.
"Well, you might say it's come back to haunt me. Ethan Novak and I had an argument after the meeting broke up the other day and I got them when he grabbed me. Fortunately Cassidy broke it up. But Stephen just called to tell me he's got a history of violence when he's angry, and because of me and Irisa they've transferred him to the field base in Somalia and that I should be careful because he's pretty angry, though they didn't tell him why they moved him." She met his eyes. "I know I told you it was nothing and that was basically a lie. I shouldn't have, I had no reason to beyond wanting to just forget it. I'm sorry."
"Irisa? What's she to do with it?" he asked frowning, his mind obviously considering what she'd told him.
"He's got a history with her, and wants a future. The history would seem to include more of the same," Jolie said, "or so I'm to understand from what Stephen divulged."
"Poor Irisa. Did he frighten you?"
"He made me angry, so when he grabbed me it didn't occur to me. But I can see where he could."
He thought that over, nodding. "She's probably feeling pretty awful," he thought aloud. "You know, it doesn't matter that you didn't tell me, if he'd frightened you and you didn't that might bother me. But ... well, as it is, don't worry about it, okay? Well, other than you running into him in the field."
She smiled radiantly at him for moment. "As for the field, it's highly unlikely we'll run into each other." She fiddled with her glass. "I had the idea, during that meeting, that if I go ahead with the fellowship idea, there has to be a way to give them field experience. Plus they'll see a lot more a lot faster, I'm thinking, if I can figure out a way to work the two together."
"They'd have to be trustworthy though, so if they realized what was going on, they wouldn't ..you know, tell anyone we wouldn't want to know about it. But other than that, it sounds like a great idea." He paused. "So, uhm, you're going to stay here? Not go to the Refuge?"
Jolie looked him in the eye. "I'm not in love with them, I'm in love with you so I'm staying where you are for as long as you'll have me."
He played with his drink for awhile before he said, "I.. if it's what you want, though, Jolie... I know you miss Dinah like crazy."
She thought that over for a minute. "It's what I really want. The rest we can work out if we need to. What do you really want?"
"Is it really, you know, bad not to want anything other than what I've got? Well, I'd like to get this book I'm researching published but... I'm pretty happy as I am. With you."
"Nope, nothing bad about that at all. You're lucky, in fact. A lot of folks can't say that," she replied. "In general, or about me."
He grinned. "I always wonder, you know? Most people want something other than they've got, yearning for something else. I wondered if you thought I was, a bit crazy."
"I think you're better than fine, just the way you are," Jolie said, grinning at him.
"Good. So you can stop worrying about this? Or at least about me getting upset about it?" he asked.
"As long as you stop worrying about me wanting to be somewhere other than here."
"Deal," he said. "Last one in the pool gets to cook dinner."
Irisa did her best to reassure Daisy she was fine and then, taking a deep breath, walked down to Cassidy's office. He was at the Ops Center yet, but Jordon was there. She asked if it were all right if she waited for him in his office, and of course Jordon allowed as how that would be fine. Then he contacted Cassidy.
Cassidy handed off what he was doing as fast as he could manage it. He grabbed coffee for them both on the way back. Then, he took a deep breath of his own, shoved his alter egos into their cages and walked into his office. "Hi," he said, dropping a kiss on the top of her head and handing her her cup.
"Thank you," she said quietly. Once he was seated she said, "I understand you were in trouble today because of me."
"Not really, more like because of me, I'd say," he said. "How are you doing?"
"When I figure it out I'll let you know. I'm rather afraid to face Marc. He scared the crap out of Daisy."
"Yeah. And uhm what do you need to face Marc about?" he asked, drinking some of his coffee.
"To apologize of course. And, uhm, I'm thinking of leaving."
"Where are we going?" he asked quietly.
"Cassidy, you love it here. You can't leave."
"You love it here too and you're leaving," he pointed out reasonably. "Trouble is I can live without everything, even this job, but I can't live without you."
She looked at him for a long time before she finally said, "I've lost all credibility. I can't even go home."
"So far as I know you've haven't lost a bit of credibility, there's no reason why you should have. And if it's a home you need...mine is yours, when ever you want for as long as you want."
"I'm sorry I didn't trust you with this," she finally said. "I just... I was afraid you'd... you know. Go all macho and do something you'd later regret."
"I gathered that a while back," he told her, "so don't worry about it." He watched her face, knowing he hadn't reached her. "Sweetheart, please, won't you let me help you?"
"Help me how?"
"However you need or want," Cassidy said.
"I.." she started and instead sipped on her coffee. "I don't know any more. I don't understand, Cassidy. I'm not afraid of anyone else. Really. Not even Marc. I'm afraid to talk to him because of pride, not because he scares me, you know? So why ..."
He thought about it for a long time before risking an answer. "I expect because he's already hurt you once so you know he can, plus you feel helpless, and bit, perhaps, because you think you deserve it or a guy like him wouldn't do it." Cassidy said gently.
She shook her head. "No, I don't feel helpless. And no, I don't think I deserve it. I just never understood it, is all. And it .. It was like one moment he was wonderful and the next... I always just thought... you know, if I could figure him out, I wouldn't do anything to set him off again."
"That's actually what I meant, that somehow something you did or didn't do caused it and because you can't ever figure out what, it's bound to keep happening," he explained. "But you can't figure it out because it wasn't ever something you did or didn't do. It's a no win situation where the only way out is not to play."
She nodded. "But I did get out. I hadn't seen him for almost 10 years so I don't ..."She sighed. "You're right. It's nuts. I can't figure it out. I just ... I just want to put it behind me, but if he can show up now ... when's the next time?"
"Irisa, sweetheart..." Cassidy broke off abruptly. "I meant a different kind of not play, where you stop trying to figure him out. But that's beside the point. I don't know when the next time is..." He got up and wrapped his arms around her. "I don't know, but you don't have to do it alone."
"I know," she whispered as she hugged him back.
He held her for a while, just rubbing her back. Finally he said, "So should I pack, or what?"
"No," she said. "I'm just... I'm tired."
"I'd like it if you stayed with me, if you wanted. You could go, take a hot bath, have a nap, whatever," he offered.
"I'd like that."
"Then we can go by your place and you can pack a bag, then we'll go to mine," he said, dropping a kiss on the top of her head.
She nodded. "Okay."
Dinah mounted Quinn feeling more and more guilty about not bringing Anja with her and more and more worried about Marc worrying about her. She told Quinn to head for the barn and said a quick prayer that she could tell him before he found out. Her hopes were dashed when she walked into the great room and saw him there, a large scotch in his hand. She walked towards him, hating herself for having been so stupid. "I'm sorry. I just didn't think."
He didn't say a word, just sat there looking up at her, his eyebrows shading his eyes, the muscles in his cheek the only sign he was furious.
She sat on the chair opposite, her eyes meeting his. "Marc, I..." she started and then stopped. After a moment she tried again. "I'm really very sorry. I shouldn't have, I know that and I won't go off in the future without security."
He drank down his scotch and got up to get more. When he sat back down he met her eyes. "Thank you," was all he said.
She looked down at her hands. "The most important thing in the world to me, bar none," she said, meeting his eyes again, "is you safe. And I know that that's also true for you. I did a thoughtless thing and stole that surety from you today."
He closed his eyes and sat there totally still for almost a full minute before he opened his eyes and looked at her. "I suppose it comes with being in love, finding yourself terrified about things you have no control over."
She sat, silent and miserable, while long moments went by. Finally, her voice small, she said "I know." Then she went up stairs and locked herself in the bathroom where she stood under the shower until the water ran cold, sobbing.
When she finally came out of the bathroom he was lying in bed waiting for her. He drew the covers over and patted her side of the bed.
She climbed in next to him, her eyes locked on his. He pulled her over against him and wrapped an arm around her holding her tight. He brushed her hair back from her face. "Go to sleep," he said softly.
Dinah searched his eyes for moment and then nodded and forced herself to relax against him. He held her that way until exhausted she fell asleep. He just held her, listening to the reassuring beating of her heart, and the sense of the two other lives they'd created. Finally, near dawn, he slept.
He was still sleeping when she woke, the sun streaming in, showing the dust motes in the air. She shifted carefully, propping herself on an elbow to watch him, his face unguarded and almost peaceful, wondering at the power of this terrible love they shared to reshape them both and damning the impulsive streak that had led her to hurt him so badly and so needlessly. Whatever she'd ever felt for anyone else, even Mac, was nothing compared to what she felt for him. She brushed a stray lock of hair from his forehead, and studied the small creases there, almost invisible in repose, seeing them like they were when he was awake and thinking, or arguing or making love to her while she searched out in herself the ways, large and small, she was going to have to change to make sure she never hurt him like that again.
His eyelashes fluttered then his eyes opened, struggling to focus as he made his way out of sleep. He smiled at her. "Good morning."
She brushed his lips with hers. "Good morning to you, too," she said, smiling back at him.
"I'm starving. How about you?"
"Me, too." She hesitated and then said, "I'd give anything if I could undo what I did yesterday. I love you so much and hurting you like that...just, please, know whatever it takes...I'll do, not to do it again."
"I know you didn't mean to do it. I just... I'll try to remember on my side of things, too, what it felt like for me. Otherwise, let's put it behind us as a lesson learned."
She smiled. "Thank you. Now, what can I fix you for breakfast?"
"I'll have some of that," he replied, reaching out for one of her breasts, playing with the nipple until it sprang to life.
She caught her breath as sensation streaked through her. "A little or a lot?" she asked, arching towards him.
"I said I was starving. I just didn't say what for."
"Then have all you want, the buffet's open."
They were having dinner in a small restaurant when she asked, "So. Can you get a weekend off?"
"Sure, I suppose. Stephen would love a chance to fill in, I think," he said. "Why, what's up?"
Irisa looked down and began playing with her wine glass. "I just thought, maybe we could get away for awhile."
Cassidy reached over and stilled her fingers on the glass, keeping hold of her hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze. "I'd love it. Whenever you want."
She looked up grinning. "Really? Just the two of us?"
'Yes, just the two of us. Wanna go now?"
"I wish. No, I've got meetings the next few days. But next weekend could work."
"I'll talk to Stephen in the morning." He grinned boyishly. "You want me to set something up or do you have plans for me?"
"Nope, I'll handle it. And I'm not telling you beforehand either." He hadn't seen her this happy since Ethan had first shown up.
"Then I'll leave it all in your hands, sweetheart," he promised. He lifted his glass, "Here's to a weekend away, just us."
She laughed happily as they clinked glasses.
And when the time came he showed up at her apartment as directed with just one suitcase. She was dressed in jeans and a sweater and a smile. He kissed her before saying, "Reporting, ma'am, as directed."
She wrapped an arm around him and zapped them out to the field in front of the main buildings where Kalie and Jelly were waiting for them. "You don't mind going off world, do you?"
"Mind? You kidding? I can't wait!"
"Climb aboard then mister, cuz I'm gonna show you something you haven't seen."
He laughed and mounted, "We're ready. Lead on, lady."
The dragons, of course, knew where they were going, but because it was a holiday they spent a totally unnecessary half hour playing amongst the clouds and torturing Cassidy, who was dying to get going. But finally, when he thought he couldn't stand it any more, Kalie opened a portal and then they were gone.
When the portal at the other end opened, he was leaning forward to see what there was, and he wasn't disappointed. It was so obviously not Earth. It wasn't a blue marble but instead one of reds and yellows and a more yellow more inviting looking sun. The dragons swooped downward toward a spine of mountains that seemed newer and rawer than any on Earth. And there, on one particular craig, stood a house, with the most fantastic view of the desert panorama.
Cassidy kept trying to see everything as the dragons landed. When he dismounted he lifted Irisa off her feet, spinning her around, then kissing her as he set her down. "Thank you for this," he said, "you've no idea...thank you!"
She was smiling so hard her cheeks hurt. "Marc built this just to get away to, and as one of the first houses on the planet. They are just beginning to populate it, so we've got it pretty much to ourselves. I thought... You never really get off world now, what with things so crazy after Home, so I thought... Come on in. The view is fantastic. And if you want we can have the dragons take us for a tour."
"Oh yeah, me want," he said, following her in. "Most definitely. So this is where he brings Dinah after she slugs him, huh?"
"Maybe I should think about that technique. It works well for her," she said putting her fist up against his jaw. "Naw. I like your jaw as it is."
"Thanks," he said. "I do too. But he doesn't seem to mind, so..." He put his arms around her. "There are other ways of getting my attention that work just as well," he told her, kissing her again. "I'm sure you can figure out all the ones you don't already know, if you wanted. I'd be willing to help you...uhm...explore the possibilities."
"Would you now..." she laughed as he nibbled on her neck. "So, what would you like to do first. Want that dragon tour now?"
"No," he said, holding her closer. "I want to tour this, in detail," he added before moving on to her ear lobe. "And this," as he pushed aside her sweater to reach her shoulder. "And all the rest."
"But we can do that at home; don't you want to see this strange new world first," she asked, although where her hand was headed seemed to betray conflicting intentions.
"Could we sort of, you know...do both at once, you think?" he asked, shifting to help her hand.
"I think I'd fall off Kalie if you were doing that," she replied, finding a zipper and unzipping it.
"I'd hold on to you," he assured her as he undid her bra, "I wouldn't let go for a second."
"Hmmm," she replied as she wrestled his shirt off. "We could, uhm, do this on the deck so we can watch the scenery at least."
"Superior strategy," he said, removing her sweater and then backing her in the right direction. "No question, you've got hidden depths that need exploring, starting now."
Alas that neither of them managed to enjoy much of the view for the next hour or so, but afterwards, lying together on the comforter they'd taken off the bed, they sipped wine and looked out at the slowly setting sun.
"It's a beautiful place. Do you ever wish you could be a colonist?"
She snuggled in a bit more closely. "Oh, sometimes I have fantasies about it. Do you regret having a job that doesn't let you travel out here often?"
"Sometimes. But I kind of knew when I took the job it would be that way, only then it was just Earth, not the universe." He moved his hand idly over the her back looking out at the view. "Still, there's always weekends and holidays."
"Few of which you actually take off in their entirety," she pointed out. "This is the first time I've seen you actually take a vacation. Even if it is only a weekend."
"Requires the right sort of incentive," he explained. "Now that you've found it," he went on, his hands moving under the comforter to some purpose," we'll have to be sure to remember what works." He smiled at her, his hand lingering, "like this, maybe?"
"Oh!" she breathed. "That definitely works."
"Then I'll follow up, like this , I think," he warned her, his head lowering under the comforter.
They never did get around to the tour. But they played and laughed and loved and even remembered to stop for dinner. Then they sat on the deck, wrapped up in each other's arms watching an aurora in the sky.
Irisa was quiet, and content.
"I like seeing you this happy," he said. "It becomes you."
She looked down at her wine. "I am happy. Are you?"
"Yes," he said softly. "Very happy."
"And, uhm, are you ..okay with us?"
"It is what it is and that's a lot," he said thoughtfully. "I've never made any secret of wanting more with you, but if that's not what you want or what you're ready for, then this is a lot."
"Hmmm."
"Are you okay with us?" he asked.
"Well, it does get annoying sometimes debating whose apartment and whose bed."
He was quiet for a long time, his head resting on hers. "I don't know if what I'm about to say makes sense or not, but I haven't asked if you wanted to live together because, while I've nothing against, I see it as a holding pattern for us. I want to marry you, be the father of your children and if it's offered to us, to bond with you. And I'm concerned that if we move in together, it would be way too easy to slip into that as an end in itself."
She frowned as she thought about that. "What is it that makes marriage so important to you? Is it just tradition? It isn't like most Awakened get married. It isn't .. tradition for us."
"I want children and I'm old fashioned about it. I want 'til death do us part, and not until I don't want to anymore. I want for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health and the commitment that demands. I think marriage is a covenant, as much as it is a statement of both desire and intent."
She blinked at him. "Jeezus, does anyone actually .. well, you do obviously..."
"I do," he said simply. "Maybe not the most popular view, given the paucity of bonded couples among the Awakened, unless you go way back. Funny thing is, almost all of the Old Ones, according to Eli, and the majority of Awakened who live past a thousand years or so are bonded or in some other form of something that is intended to be forever."
"But bonding isn't something you wake up and decide 'okay today we bond.' I mean, it's a process, so... I'd no idea it was so common among the older ones."
"I know." He stopped for a moment and then went on musingly. "It's only been in the last few decades that marriage has come to be seen as meaningless and relationships as something based on how one feels, that those feelings are the purpose of relationships. The result is when the feelings are gone people move on, instead of standing still and waiting for the tide to turn again. Eli says he thinks, with the older ones, it's because a happy life when one lives so long, if you will, requires an Other directed stance, an understanding that I, for example, am not the reason I exist, that I exist not for my benefit but for that of others." Cassidy shrugged. "Sorry about the monologue there. My point is, I don't know if he's right but for me it's pretty close to what I think about what makes a life joyful."
"Well, I think the reason marriage fell out of favor has far more to do with the baggage that got heaped onto the idea. The he-man having all the say, and the woman as chattel, so my viewpoint is a lot different."
"I know. Guys like me...well, we're waiting for the pendulum to swing back towards the middle ground, where marriage is a partnership where each one is committed to the happiness and the well-fare of the other before all else and taking the rap for a history we didn't create."
She started giggling. "You poor lamb."
He nodded, his face mournful and stoic. "I know. But I struggle along under the burden as best I can. It's the least I can do for the other guys."
"Such a brave soul. And you go and mess it all up by falling for a woman who's dragging her feet and being all resistant."
"Like Marc says, all I've got is time. It's yours regardless and I would rather wait until you're sure than precipitate something you're not sure about just because I'm impatient to toss a football around with the kids, while you do the dishes." He looked at her for second. "Or would it be better the other way around...you play with the kids and I do the dishes?"
"The maid does the dishes," she replied firmly. "We both play with the kids. Jeezus, kids..."
"So does that mean you'll marry me?"
She looked at him, for a very long time. "How soon do I have to answer that?"
"As soon as you're sure," he said, holding her eyes with his.
"Hmmm. Kiss me again and convince me."
"Whatever it takes," he said just as his mouth found hers, "I'm willing to do."
"I'm gonna hold you to that," she said before he stole all thought and words from her.
